I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
