i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
