I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
