That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
