so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize