I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize