new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
