I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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