I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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