U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
