I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
