I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize