I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
