If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
