There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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