I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
