Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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