And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
