I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
