The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
