I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I cut my penus on the lid.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
