I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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