He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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