fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
