today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
be right there i have to get my cape
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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