I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize