Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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