2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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