Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This is my gift to your gina
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
