last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
