It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
