ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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