I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
