This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
