I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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