I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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