my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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