He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
