My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
