I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
