I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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