how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
