Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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