my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
