i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
