i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
