my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
