this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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