Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
