She is in my trunk
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
