If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I need to align my fucking chakras
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
