I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
