shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
i've created a new STD.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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