How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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