Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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