Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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