Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
