I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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