life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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