first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
