last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize