I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
