Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Dick very happy bro
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
