new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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